Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
I'm playing a drinking game with nyc prep. This will not end well for meeee
Everytime the gay dude pretends he's not gay, drink a cosmo. Everytime the crosseyed girl is crosseyed, kill her
just told my prof that "i dont give a fuck" about the final. nothing like a having a signed employment contract already
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
ARE YOU THINKING VAGINA THEMED RESTAURANT
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
I am not even ashamed to say it, I got laid in the stairwell of the hotel, by a 29 year old. It was awesome!
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
Randomize
