you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
And now that i don't feel so bad because you're not pregnant the $15 for the pregnancy test I bought would be appreciated
she tried giving me head in the pool. it was more entertaining than pleasurable
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
No no don't get confused. We do chemistry homework on Thursdays. We screw on Fridays. Other than that, Words With Friends is our only communication five days a week. We are NOT dating.
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
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