I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
There were penises being pulled out everywhere.
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
we were looking for paper towels to wrap his hand and i yanked a drawer out of the cabinet, it was fun so we just kept doing it. things escalated and long story short, he isn't gettin his security deposit back
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
You have ruined sex with him for me. Now all I think is "boy scout" and I want to go home
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
I lost the right to judge tonight
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
Randomize
