i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
She was perfectly content just sitting in the middle of everyone blowing bubbles in the air.
I was under the impression that I sent actual words. turns out it was a series of letters and question marks on a side note we still had sex
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
My roomate has me out looking for easter kegs hidden arround town
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
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