My Higher Power is John Stamos
bitch please you did NOT just unlike my status..
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
HAPPY NEWYEARSM FAGTRON! GETTING HEAD IN TAXI I WIN
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
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