No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
Sometimes I look at the people in school that are obviously very diligent and on top of their studies, and then I wonder why they don't smoke weed.
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
For reals. He's my age and he still hangs out at his frat house & gets hammered every weekend. Idk if I'm jealous of him or if I pity him
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
Randomize
