my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
let's remember the whole point of NYE: to drink antisocial amounts of antisocial drinks, become incoherent, ruin a carpet, talk to a tree, wake up with head sellotaped to toilet. The where/how is superfluous, my vote goes to a cupboard and a bottle of jaeger Questions?
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
Just leave a note saying "riding dick see you in the mornig"
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
Randomize
