Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
He kept saying "this is a bad idea" wasn't in his vocabulary. He left at 2 came back at 6 eating frozen waffles and he had a symbol, a moped mirror, and a new MacBook. I'd say he had a good time
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
you have no idea the dirty thing i want to do to your blad spot. please wear my vagina as a hat.
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
While he was gone for spring break I took his head board... I don't wanna wake up from his shenanigans for the rest of my college career.
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
I don't think you understand what laundry day means. I am wearing a swimsuit as underwear and my spanish club tshirt from junior high
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
I deserve this hangover.
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
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