apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
If Bret Micheals dies..will VH1 have to go off the air?
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
NOTHING IN THE WORLD IS GOOD SOFT
NOT ICECREAM NOT DICKS
NOTHING
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
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