There's a 34yo winking at me. Why do i find this weird when my bf is a 38yo married man?
hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
she tied the funnel to the fucking ceiling...
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
I can still be you friend and be there for you. And sometimes get drunk and fuck you.
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
I moved to this city Tuesday and got laid Saturday. Still got it.
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
Randomize
