Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
we turned his baptism video into a drinking game
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
We played alot of beer pong and ventured into the woods with tiki torches
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
i bet he makes cat noises to excite himself.
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