So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
I'm going to pre plan my black out tonight. I think I'll set a change of clothes out on my bed and unplug the oven.
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
they knew we were both to shy to do anything so they got us drunk and locked us in the back yard with a tent. it was fuck or freeze
you have the best friends
drinks after work?
that question mark offends me.
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
I see more hoeing in ur future
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