I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
Literally like 10 people walking in my building talking about how much they hate draco
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
Just made a drug deal by throwing my money to my dealers window and receiving weed the same way. We are the definition of typical lazy stoners.
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
the boat had a sign not to jump off the roof of it, which gave us the idea to jump off the roof of it
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
Props to the guy on crutches playing edward forty hands. Dedicated to drinking games is an understatement.
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
please don't forget about the bread in the toilet i am absolutely not dealing with that
Randomize
