So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
I have what looks like a rubber stamp mark on my cock from last night that says "Magic Marla Approved" Do we know a Marla?
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
just woke up to an abnormally swollen ankle (broken, perhaps?) and a shirtless man with the most beautiful abs I've ever seen sleeping on my floor.
is your ankle ok??
WHY IS HE ON THE FLOOR. SINCE WHEN DOES BLACKOUT ME ALSO COCKBLOCK ME
Randomize
