My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
they have pregnancy tests at the dollar store
I feel like that is one of those things that you should not cheap out on.
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
Actually we have similar relationship styles aka no relationship... it could work
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
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