The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
Sweet. Might not hurt to poop on the floor anyway.
he got instantly turned off in the middle of a blowjob when he heard the news "twilight beat the blockbuster record of batman"
Thru out the entire phone conversation I went from thinking: he's making a gay come-on, to he's trying to sell me drugs, before realizing he was offering me a job with an internet company. Things are gonna be awkward in class this week.
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
well... I just junk punched a carnie. Doesnt matter how, it still counts for my bucket list.
On a side note Tyler is buying beer from a gas station in a panda suit priceless
Do you still speak french? one of two girls I woke up with only speaks french...
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
And ANOTHER guy that I once got naked is doing gay porn now. Wtf? Am I the audition?!
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