when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
Most awkward thing ever: Meeting your BattleShits opponent post war.
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
And think got sick again from going outside naked. Word to all females...don't try the naked trench coat thing.
we got kicked out of her coke dealer's house when we wouldn't stop quoting "a league of their own"
communist
It was Thanksgiving sex. I was thankful for it. Need I say more?
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
Randomize
