And now we're talking about squeezing babies out of vaginas...
he conducted the entire waffle house into singing the song Oklahoma. He was wasted.
There are two people having sex in one of the showers right now trying to silence their orgasm sounds and failing. Thank you coed bathrooms.
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
Ever have a day where u just waNna wake up get a blow job eat food and chill I just want today to be that day
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
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