sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
He gave her the shocker .. I didn't know people really did that.
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
I used the picture of my mom and I doing blow job shots in Vegas in the presentation for my Spanish final. Graduation here I come.
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
WHY IS IT FROWNED UPON THE DRESS UP IN CAT COSTUMES AND SIT OUTSIDE OF BARS WITH A BOX OF WINE I THOUGHT THIS WAS AMERICA
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
Once the overwhelming "oh god my crotch is on fire" wears off, that excite stuff is really nice
Omg I got up from his bed and almost did a header into the wall because I came so many times I forgot how to walk.
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