It is pretty awful out and I still haven't put on pants yet.
Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
No dude trust me, just go a strip club at their busiest hours and pick the ugliest chick. Guaranteed she blows you for under 20$, the record stands at $7.67 and a pen from Bank of America,
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
Because everyone is allowed one half drunken 7:30 am walk back to campus in a cowgirl costume, right?
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
Does it get any better than dating a guy with a vasectomy? The answer is NO. No it does not
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
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