I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
The goblet must only be used for good. And vodka. And anything t-pain would be proud of.
My adult sexuality and some of the best memories of my childhood collided like a Pee Wee Herman wet dream.
Elaborate
Strip Mario-Kart
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
Day drinking! Today! (tomorrow too!) Our place! Whenever you get off work! Ready go!
Idk how I even got accepted into college because literally the only things my brain ever thinks about are YouTube videos of baby animals and sex.
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
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