The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
So after i got done, she went over and got out her gecko, I felt like I was in an X rated geiko commercial.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
then she said "on the count of three I think we should apologize to eachother"
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
All I could understand from his text was "hatchet" "soccer" & "bitch". its safe to say andy has had enough to drink & will be violent soon
almost passed out on the way to class today.. laid down in a construction site. bad idea
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
We could have a classy candlelight sonic dinner with fireball cocktails if you leave now. Twat tickler centerpieces.
I'm fucking my way through California and it's kind of fun.
That was fun and all, but let's never have sex on a ladder ever again.
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