Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
Oh and fyi, I've been drinking and about to do free weights. I'll late you know how this goes.
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
Happy 420. I woke up to a girl smoking weed and dragging me out of bed. Chemistry makes so much sense high.
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
How drunk do you guys plan on getting?
We wrote our addresses on our arms for the cab driver, what do you think?
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
Randomize
