Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
Setting up an obstacle course with ladders, hurdles, and a spring board to the pool. you down for drunk races through it later?
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
Drunk me made cabbage burritos at 1am after going to hustler hollywood.\nI bought socks. Lol
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
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