So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
I texted him to clear the air a bit, apologized if I freaked him out. No reply. So I'm gonna go ahead and fuck someone in a barn tonight.
Actually, all he talks about is how great the sex is with her and how crappy you were at it. Stop being a bitch and gossiping masking it as self-righteousness.
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
HE HAS CHALLENGED MY BADNESS. I MUST CONQUER ALL THAT QUESTIONS MY POWER. BRING FORTH THE TIT PICS.
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
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