Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
Following a car with a GPS. We don't know where he's going, but he probably has a better idea of where we're going than we do. Also, very high.
yup. cregs moms pubic hair is still glued to the celing
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
So my bf wanted to cum on my face and I let him. Afterwards I wiped some off, wiped it across his forehead and said, "The king has returned".
If your relationships aren't working out because she doesn't have a penis THEN maybe you should give dudes another go
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
Me and Jason had to grab your legs and arms and drag you in the house. You kept screaming "leave me for dead"
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
Randomize
