I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
Most guys don't get turned on by "skinny, gangly legged girl with glasses laying in bed touching herself." You better start working on your diction if you're gonna keep up the sexting.
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
all of his pictures were taken on a library computer, how did you even consider fucking him?
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
I think I'm gonna quit partying for awhile. Piercing my own nose is where I draw the line.
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
Its 7am I'm awake still drunk, there is food, random clothing and road cone in my room. I can't decide if this is a failure or a success???
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
Randomize
