haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
At Coney Island the sign for the rollercoaster The Cyclone says, "Make sure your glasses and weave are secure."
we are going to smoke at least three blunts before we go see Cloudy with a chance of meatballs. I'm going to have my mom make us spaghetti for when we get out so can your mom make those spicy meatballs? I thought I'd give you 9 days notice so everything's perfect.
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
Am I really that girl who walks around half naked wearing a cowboy hat begging for liquor at some random guys house
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
Hello my rib-scented angel!
I'm nothing if not determined to sleep with everyone at that company
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
