Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
just saw a girl throwing up in a taco bell nacho cantainor going 60 down the highway
They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
You had sex with him even after he literally described himself as a "coldplay guy"? There's a line you just don't cross. There is a line.
So add panera bread to the places i love to eat that i am potentially banned from.
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
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