some dude just recognized me causeg he had a pic of us making out onvhis phone
So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
He was fucking her while he was wiping my tears.
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
Ya he's alive. Apparently he's been drinking Naty and listening to Unbreak My Heart on repeat all day.
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
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