im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
I think Vodka is my favorite. Everything else ties for second.
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
He must have found my secret supply of blow and took a bump before we left the house. Rude.
He could of at least asked
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
I just left and he walked me out and went call me if you're ever... Eh... Whatever. And walked away.
OMG LOOK AT THAT PIECE OF MAN
I haven’t trained for this.
Randomize
