I asked her if she watches the office. She said no, but do you watch I'm a celebrity get me outa here? That's when i knew. Deal breaker
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
Only three months past my 21st and I'm done. So many life lessons in so little time.
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
Randomize
