You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
this kid woke up on our hotel floor and doesnt know how he got here
on my way back.. me and that kid will be great friends
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
An hour is enough time for me to get drunk and win a dry hump marathon so I hope you have somewhat similar or better goals
I think I caught your cold through my vagina. It was worth it.
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
Left him blackout in the cab, gave 20$ to the cabbie and said drive until the meter said he wasn't getting a tip.
Bangkok has him now.
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