tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
I cant go down on him yet. All ive had to eat is olives and percocet. semen would only add to tomorow mornings discomfort.
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
And fyi howling is not an acceptable form of communication.
it's almost 8pm and i'm still hungover. at what point do i alert someone?
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
Idk how much more i could have responded my dick was basically trying to unzip the zipper and hop out
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
I'm getting high with a 50 year old car wash guy. Enough said.
Did I call him? He cried after taking my bra off. You tell me.
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
Randomize
