he poured tabasco sauce in my vag.. I'm still having a hard time going to the bathroom.
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
i finally found my car by the hideout. it was parked in an employee only parking space with a torn up piece of paper in the back window with the word employee scribbled on it.
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
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