So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
Springtime is officially here. I just used pool water to fill up the bong
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
Don't remember much from last night, but I recall slipping you the tounge. For that I apologize
On the bright side, at least we arent the generation raised by fucked up teen moms.
We got three kegs and a backhoe. Now taking bets on what charges we end up getting arrested for. Will need bail money.
I'm also 3/4 on the frats. Its like my goal of traveling to all 7 continents, but different somehow and a lot less morally sound.
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
His personality is sparkling but nothing beats his ass
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
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