Why does Jon Cryer have a career?
That is a good question.
I need Christmas break to be over. I'm tired of fucking my old High School girlfriends
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
sex on the roof is not as easy as it sounds
third eye blind makes so much more sense now that i have a drug problem
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
your blue lips and tongue was their first indication you were probably underage
HEY THERE IS NO AGE LIMIT ON BLUE SLUSHIES
I fucked a guy that's in Sports illustrated. I'm officially ready for college.
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
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