His moose knuckle keeps winkin at me
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
i didnt know what to say other then wrong hole.....after that the moment was ruined.
The girl sitting next to me in class is writing her to-do list under the title 11/31.
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
It's shedding
I told you penises don't tan
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
New guy moved in the apartment next door. He's a combat vet, 6'4", Adonis body and going to med school. My vagina is chewing thru the wall as we speak.
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