Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
from now on, im only gona ahve sex with my boyfriend.
stupid gm bankruptcy made me miss the showcase showdown
Those cock suckers. We need to know who's winning the hot tub and the vacation to the alps
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
The police report said that there were 25 cases of bud light, two hookers fighting in the street, 13 cop cars, and two road blocks, a kid got tazered, another got maced, and over a hundred people in the house
So that means its a bad thing that your dad found it huh?
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
Everyone was trying to get you to do a keg stand but you refused & instead declared you could do it yourself, crouched on the keg in your 6 inch heels, leaned over, and gave yourself one.
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
I think my nap took me to another dimension
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
Randomize
