i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
At one point in time, he cried and said I didn't appreciate him.
How many layers of skin can you loose before it becomes bad?
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
I think we should bring back the casual nipple tassel
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
We won't have time to talk.. I'll be rolling you a blunt and you'll be getting naked.
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
I just watched someone put a diaper on a cat..I'm to high for this.
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
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