the real housewives reunion is on...i wanna see if danielle can look any more surprised than the facelift allows
i wanna see dina punch her face back to normal
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
On ecstasy, in Ikea. this is incredible.
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
She gave him a lap dance on the glass table. You can guess how that ended
Ever have a day where u just waNna wake up get a blow job eat food and chill I just want today to be that day
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
He left a trail of vomit straight from our dorm to the bathroom. Looks like we have our identities for the rest of the year.
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
I just ate a can of beans for dinner so I can afford to go get a 5$ bottle of wine. I really did not think these choices would still be necessary at age 25.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
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