I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
Oh, don't even get me started. Harry Potter is so pure. Twilight is just teenage girl porn.
Too much gin, very little bucket
All I did today at work was try to remember in vivid detail what your cock looks like.
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
made out with three guys on the first night of college orientation, just imagine what joys all of next year will hold
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
What is an appropriate "thanks for saving my life" gift? I don't have any experience with this.
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
I walked into her room to find her sitting on the end of her bed with her heads in her hands talking to herself. She kept muttering things like "What? How? No. What? I don't --- How?" $10 says she's pregnant.
I'll see to your $10 and raise you $40.
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
