I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
Drunk and had dance off with 8 year old. Lost. Still drinking
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
So I walk in and he's teaching someone in London via Skype how to roll a blunt. I have new found respect for him.
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
Her only article of clothing is an American Flag
I'm sorry, but the "Hobbit Slam" has to be a sex move.
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
Idk she didn't seem that weird to me but I had just eaten an entire tray of jello infused with liquor so I could be wrong...
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
Update: tequila girl had her hand down groomsmen pants
I just walked in on her masturbating to a social anxiety video...
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