Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
I was on my way at Dorito Smoothie
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
Does this sound normal?...She's ironing on pictures of her dead cat to all of her green clothes...
I don't think it counts as a walk of shame when it's someone you've wanted for 4 years. That's mission accomplished.
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
Some guy just drank alcohol from me shoe..I think he's had enough..
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
Naw but when she was in the bathroom I threw the condom out the window and I'm pretty sure it hit some girl
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
He's a waste of a perfectly good penis.
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