we have pet lesbian snakes
I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
like if they didnt have tits and vagina, they have no idea how uninteresting to us they would be
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
My feelings for him are donzo molonzo but I can't turn down a pierced penis...
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
Just fucked my ex's brother. It is clear I dated the wrong one. Is it wrong for me to continue to fuck this one?
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