where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
some girl had on jean underwear. i hate america.
A disheveled girl in front of me just looked down, shrieked, and yelled to the girl next to her "what is this" while pointing at two large white stains near the crotch of her black jeans. I love that Thursdays are weekends, it makes awesome Friday mornings
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
Just grabbing my bra from a history teacher's desk in the Humanities building. Maybe I should stop drinking on weeknights
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
He had "Bad Bitches Only" tattooed above his dick. I don't know his name but I hope I find him again. I also don't feel that I lived up to the challenge.
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
Haha I'M GOING TO MISS HIS PENIS SO MUCH. But not his bipolarness.
3.5 bazillion penises. So not that hard to find a new good one
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
Randomize
