Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
Oh the joys of strong arming a man into exclusivity
I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
I woke up with a black eye, bruised knuckles, wearing women's clothing, in a house I did not recognize, next to a solid 9. Thank you for making 21 special.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
theres too many punctuation errors in that text to turn me on.
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
I just love that a strip club has taco Tuesday.
Yea she is hot. But she also had no toothpaste in her entire apartment.
Randomize
