so wait, they're fucking, but it doesn't count as cheating cause they only do anal?
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
Freshman ate returning to campus. Let Operation Slut Storm commence.
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
A surprise thumb up the ass and I'm wide awake. She was right, no need for caffine pills I could fight ninjas now.
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
i think ive crossed the line from sexually frustrated to sexually furious
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
Like you can't just be like oh bb and THEN SEND ME A FUCKING PICTURE OF MY 8TH GRADE FAT SELF IN A TACO COSTUME
Please don't think I'm weird for texting you this at 12:08 am but I just found another picture on the Internet where I think you can see his dick through whatever he's wearing
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
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