mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
.......................................
My thoughts exactly.
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
Using my graduation announcement box as a table to roll a blunt on. I've official stopped giving a shit about senior year
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
I'm like, not good at living.
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
he told me his feelings for me AFTER sex, so that means he meant it right?
Randomize
