and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
he turned two sober chicks into 7 drunken girls...he's my hero
Ps. The strap-on in the pic i sent you last night was not mine. Just wanted to clear that up.
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
I'd rather make snow angels in a pool of elephant shit.than sleep with him.
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
Randomize
