it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
The only way I could have failed my exam worse is if there would have been a drug test portion
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
I cannot believe I said bareback movement...
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
His face will be in my vagina later so I'm willing to forgive.
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
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