Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.
i yelled at him for a little and we ended up fucking in a random tennis court.
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
you ate an entire watermelon by using a CD as a spoon, then proceeded to chuck the leftovers at some dudes car...
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
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