You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
Using his name makes it all too personal. I refuse to get attached to this one. This is all about ass. He doesn't get a name.
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
your like the ambassador to my penis.
I'm currently looking on facebook to see how slutty the girls from my kindergarden class are now. I have a problem.
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
im far more worried about your salsa intake than your weed intake
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
Randomize
