she then came into the room and yelled I'M GOING TO BE A COCK BLOCK for 5 minutes
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
He's pole dancing on a heat lamp.
watching "look who's talking now." getting choked up at the end when they find each other at the cabin
doesn't that movie star kirstie alley and have talking dogs in it? new low...even for you
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I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
No no don't get confused. We do chemistry homework on Thursdays. We screw on Fridays. Other than that, Words With Friends is our only communication five days a week. We are NOT dating.
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
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Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
get your sex hands out of my capn crunch
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
That's okay I'm failing college because I'm to busy giving over the pant handjobs in class..