if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
I think you're the first person to ever call Louisville, KY a "romantic getaway".
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
he told me i could have the honorable privilege of being the second girl to have sex with him in his new apartment, what a gentleman.
I hate him. I fucked every one of his friends AND his fat brother and he still won't break up with me.
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
DOUBLE NIPPLE PIERCINGS ARE HORRIFYING
Of course I'm using oj as a mixer, its flu season.
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
We had sex on his sofa while his friend cheered and threw bugles at us
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