just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
i know we're in college but you cant booty call me at 3 in the afternoon. i dont care how drunk you are.
To justify your stumbling you just kept yelling 'it's the boat, not the drinks' We hadn't even left the dock yet....
Wella between the drunkards, the inevitable slutty costumes, and someone doing a BODY SHOT OFF A PREGNANT GIRL, i lost my halloween spirit. Bah humbug.
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We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
what kind of wine goes with anal sex and shame?
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
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Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again