Is it wrong to scream your own name when about to bust?
That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
Would you have sex with a guy wearing a Batman mask?
It's all hypothetical, I don't have a Batman mask... yet...
no you're not allowed back
come on. everbeers was a great idea. you fucks had a great night
You paid at the door and they gave you a straw for the kiddie pool full of booze.
After a bit there were two girls who got naked and liquor wrestled. I don't think it was planned.
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
so i fell out of a tree on the ave last night. someone told me there was alcohol at the top. bastards.
Randomize
