I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
blowing a .13 at 10 AM isn't nearly as cool as I thought it would be.
You deserve yourself a blunt and a build a bear.
There's a pair of socks on the bar. No-one's questioned this.
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
Randomize
