I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
Is it a little weird that I have a ridiculous urge to have sex while the theme song to the Pirates of the Carrbibbean blares in the background?
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
should my penis look like a turkey
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
How external is "for external use only"?
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
Randomize
