i am watching brooke knows best right now and hulk is totally dating his daughter's look a like. it is gross and disturbing.
the most pressuring question is, why are you watching brooke knows best?.
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
He wins the giant teddy bear for getting the neuva ring on the dick
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
Randomize
